faith over fear(or I wish)

I'm too insecure.And I hate that.

You know what,I know what I am,I know that people see me as unaproachable,or too uptight,and I know that most of the time I'm too scared to let go,of being my own person...I'm too shy too,and I hate to admit that,but I hide behind my clothes,and my books and my fancy shoes,to distract everyone else from the fact that I can't be like them.

I'm a runner,I always try to scape when things are going too good.I'll never be the kind of girl who feels safe and happy being in a long term relationship,that can dress whatever she wants and feel amazing,I'll never be the kind of girl who feels beautiful without no make up on or has no self image issues.

I wish I was,tough.It's way easier to be confident,to voice your opinions whatever you feel like it,to trust people,to trust myself to be who I am and not be ashamed of any of it.I'd love to be like the girls in my class,always so bubbly,so easygoing and talkative,cracking jokes all the time,without even worrying if they'll sound ridiculous.

I'm sick of being the quiet one,to take too long to trust people and of always running away whenever I'm feeling something different...and good.I guess I'm just too afraid of messing it all up,I'm guess I find it safer if I just keep my distance you know,I'm scared to let go and get hurt,I'm scared that something bad is going to happen if I feel too happy,like it's wrong or I don't deserve it.

But I know I do,everybody does,I just wish I could feel it all,without being too overwhelmed or afraid,I wish I could feel it all just being me and let all the pain,all the fear go away...

I just don't know how.

I don't know how to tell the truth,and now my lies had finally caught up with me.The weirdest thing is that it was so easy to tell before I dug a whole for myself,hiding it for so long...I'm tired of causing problems,of lying to everyone,of being unkind to other people without knowing why.

I wish I could understant why I push the limits so much.Why I keep testing people and how they'll go for me if it's no use,if it always ends up with someone hurt.

I wanna change.I wanna be all outgoing and bubbly,I wanna be plain and simple like every other girl out there,I wanna be able to make the right decisions and only make mistakes when there's no other way around,and not because I chose to.

Well,I guess that's the beauty of youth,trying to figure out who you're supposed to be,and making mistakes,and tryin' to understand what's going on with your head...but it's just painful.

I don't like changes.I don't like surprises and things happening too fast.I'm scared of time,I'm scared of paychecks and jobs and making my own decisions.I'm afraid of being independent and it makes me a fucking mess.

I wish there was someone I could talk to,someone who could just listen and be there.

I'm scared of feeling nothing and I'm scared of feeling too much.I'm scared of love and of pain.And I'm scared of being hurt,and scared of being hopeful.Even my thoughts scare me these days,'cause I always think that if I think something horrible and mean,it will come true.And mostly,I'm afraid of being happy,'cause whenever things are goin' great,there's always something to take it away from me,something that'll come back hunting me and making me unhappy all over again.

I just want it to stop.

#

I have been avoiding choosing my classes for next semester.I don't want to back to college.I hate it there,all those people,the teachers and,I don't know...everything out there just freaks me out.

I never thought I would say that,but I miss high school.I miss the same old subjects every year,or how I hated the gym classes and everbody treating you like you were still a little kid.

Everything's so changed now.I take cabs and buses all the time,dad doesn't pick me at school anymore,like he used to.It's fine by me,I guess.Everything just keeps getting harder and harder when I'm around him.

Things are so difficult between us right now.Especially since I managed to screw everything up with my shopping problem and the freaking $ 12.000 credit card bill.God,I hate myself for that,but I hate him too,for never understanding.He's so selfish,so self-centered...I mean,what did he ever do with his life?He made my mom the most unhappy person on the planet,bought a country house he doesn't care about,scared everybody away from him and accumulated tons of money he doesn't care about either.Now he sits around reading his books or sleeping in,or just driving around...sometimes I feel sorry for him,it must be hard to be so lonely,always on his own,but must of the time I just feel angry.And scared,for being like him in so many ways.

I'm just so screwed up.It's like I never leard,I keep making the same mistakes,one after the other,and hurting everybody.

My parents don't trust me anymore,I hide my whole life from my friends,and I just keep getting more and more tangled up in my schemes.

Sometimes I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry,but I'm too afraid that if I do that.I can never stop.Sometimes I wish I was someone else,sometimes I want to sleep through the whole thing,and wake up only when everything is bigger brighter.Most of the time I just wanna bundle up into some big ass lie and get away with everything I did,even though I know it's not the right thing to do.But I never played by the rules,anyway...

There are these rara occasions when I wish I was brave enough to stop fakin' and face the world with my head held high,but it just seems so hard and somehow unrealistic.

I sometimes wish I could go back in time and do everything different,but that's pretty much impossible,I did what I did and there's no way out of that.

So,that's pretty much my life right now.I'm confused,I'm scared and I'm helpless and on top of all that,I'm all alone.Thanks to me,a screwed up person who doesn't matter how hard she tries,she's never on the right path.

That's how I feel,lost in time,seeking so desperately for something that doesn't even exist.

trapped

I miss the times when everything used to be so much simpler.I mean,all I seem to do these days is get myself in trouble.I barely watched any classes this semester,lying to everyone I love,most of my plans didn't work out and I certainly have a shopping problem.

I don't know,it used to be so much easier when I was like,12.All I had to worry about was school,going to mall with my friends and being scared of horror movie.But I guess I didn't really know who I was back then,nowadays I'm still not sure,but I'm glad I grew out of all of that.

I'm glad I'm not so clingy,hanging out with the wrong crowd and trying so hard to be perfect.I'm glad I'm now a more independent person,instead of the scared little girl who couldn't handle a scary story.

It's always so weird when friendships fall apart.I mean,these kids were my friends,we did everything together,we told each other secrets,we shared toys and a whole lot else.My life back then,wouldn't be the same without them.

But I guess it was just not good to me,I didn't belong with them,I couldn't handle the competition,I couldn't handle being the spoiled,insecure pre-teen forever.

I know I'm still too flawed.Even more than I was back then,but I don't know,things are different now,I just don't take crap from people anymore,there's no use in that.I'm who I am and I'm happy that everything changed,that's the way the things were always supposed to be.

I've always been pressured from like,ALL sides.From my family,from school,being a former straight A student,from my friends,who always expected me to be the best in every single thing,from dressing up to telling a fucked up lie.

I grew up with all the privileges an only child can have,but I guess everbody just expected too much from me.

I'm not my perfectly ordinary causin who loves local music and going to the beach.I'm the interesting one,but not in a good way,in my relatives point of view.I'm into high fashion,I love all kinds of art and self expression,I love books,and I'm the shy girl who screwed everything up in the last year of high school and takes anti-depressings now.I see no problem in gay marriage,legalizing marijuana and I hate every kind of religion freak.So,not your everyday girl.

I guess,I've just been like that since I was a little kid.Different,poised.I always knew what to say,how to pretend,elaborate an answer,tell a lie,wear the perfect outfit for the perfect occasion.I've always been secretly insecure too,always so overprocted by my parentes.And,lately,I've been the girl who maked all the wrong choices.

I depend on my happy pills to have a good day,I can't get through a single day without lying to my parents,I hate school,my grades are terrible.I have no clue what to with my life,and I developed a serious compulsion for shopping.

I know it sounds funny,shallow or whatever,but it's just weird.It's like it's stronger than me.I have a closet full of clothes I never wore,bags and bags of make up,shoes for every occasion and somehow I can't stop this urge to shop more.I feel desperate when I don't have a credicard in hand.

Maybe all I want is a thrill,I don't know,something to get excited about,but the only way I feel happy,the only way I can forget my problems is buying new clothes.

It's like an enemy with benefits,I want to drop it but at the same time I enjoy all the privileges.

Sometimes all I want is a way out,someone to talk to,someone who understands.

It's just so lonely up here in my perfectly decorated castle.With my clothes and shoes,and books,waiting and wainting for someone to rescue me.

-

It's been a while since I don't write here.And if there's anything I can tell you is that I'm having a terribly bad day.I'm feeling anxious,I can't concentrate and everything just seems so boring and uniportant...

Things have been difficult this year and I wish I could cope better with all that,but everything is moving a little too fast and I guess that scares me.I hate changes,always have,so sometimes I keep trying to get things to slow down for a moment,but it's always useless,I can't stop this train.

It's been a week since I don't touch my books or homework and I hate going too college now.I'm feeling sleepy all the time,my lips are sore and I have bruises all over my body.I look like a rape victim,only worse.

I don't feel like putting make or dressing up,parties do not seem so fun and I'm pushing everybody away.I just don't wanna deal with people right now.Seems hard.

The only thing I seem to enjoy is being on this computer and reading my books.I'm becoming a loser,someone who wonders on the halls alone,keeping everybody out.

This past few weeks I thinking about going to the shrink again.I did analyses a few years ago and it really,really helped.It was such a difficult time and it really made my life slide and shift and adjust to a safe place.But then came the medicines and I stopped feeling anxious and insecure all the time so I just stopped.The pills still work their magic in me,but sometimes I rally need someone to talk to.Someone who won't judge and will be understanding,someone older than me that knows what I'm going to,someone who feels like the perfect best friend.

Changing the subject,I've been missing someone lately.Someone I barely know and who I hooked up once at the movies.He's loving and charming,and smells delicious.For some reason I can't stop thinking about his lips and he moved them across my neck,discovering my low points all at once.

so scared of getting old,I'm only good at being young

I've been sick all week,but I least I was able to sleep last night.I can't even believe how sore my throat is:/

Of course my antibodies found the perfect timing to stop working.I mean,classes start on Monday,'till then I have to be perfectly healthy to take six subjects per week and maybe an intership.

Sometimes I don't get my decisions.I've always wanted to be independent and successful,but whatever I get a chance to be one of these...well,I get too afraid to take it.

The fact is I can't stop wondering if maybe this is all too much.The six subjects,the intership at the newspaper and all these tons of responsability.I wonder if I would be able to handle it,and for how long,and if I'm really ready to be so grown up all of sudden.But that's something I need to do sooner or later.

I know that if I want to grow up and do everything on my own,I have to stop clinging in memories and all these strings that keep pulling me back to my past,but it's just difficult to with the kind of upbringing I've had.

I'm the little girl my mother always dreamed of,the wish that finally came true after two miscarriages.

I had every sort of toys when I was a kid,every sort of expensive clothes and shoes growing up.Big room,awesome debutant party,great private schools...I had everything I could possibly want,handed to me without any effort,my parentes were always too scared of saying no.

They were to scared I was breakable too.They never let me take buses or walk alone to school or down the street.I was only aloud to take a cab if I had company,and my mom still gets terrified when she can't find me around the house.

It just built a weird sense of security and comfort in me.Somehow,the idea that they would always have my back got stuck in my head.

I know I'm a whole lot different from what my parents imagined I would be.Like everybody else in my clique,I go to wild,raging parties all the time,I tasted my first sip of champagne at eleven,and I did a lot of things that would shock them.

I managed to learn how take buses on my own,and walk down the street without being too afraid of being mugged and I lot of other 'dangerous' things.I achieved as much independence as one could get,being the only and spoiled daughter of a mother who always wanted a little girl.

But sometimes it's too hard to let go.It's hard to grow up and it's not fair at all.There's so much in charge,so many responsabilities and problems for you to solve on your own...

I didn't even have a happy childhood.A very sick sibling and my own fragil health were hard to deal with,I don't even know why I miss this time so much.

Maybe it's the knowing that at that time,I could always climb on my mothers lap wherever I felt scared or sad,that I could always get between my parents in bed when I had nightmares and that they could make the pain go away with a kiss.And mostly,that a simple 'everything will be okay' was enough to make me forget all my fears.Too bad we stop believing in everything or parents say,'cause I used to feel a lot safer at that time.

But that's just life.It's not supposed to be fair or to make sense,at least that was what I was told.And all these changes and responsabilities are pretty much unavoidable,everybody goes through in order to become a real person.I guess it's all still beginning.

the things we do for love...

Sometimes I have a weird period of niceness,where I do what other people want without any aparent reason.I mean,most of the time I stick for what I want and I usually get.It's just the way spoiled little brats like me bahave,we're used to winning.

Well,the thing is,sometimes,what you want may hurt other people's feelings and I may confess that most of the time it doesn't really stop me,but every once in a while it hurts too much to think of hurting someone and sometimes it makes me give up of whatever my plans are,and that's just plain love.It's the only thing that can make someone so driven like me stop on my tracks,back down,give up...whatever you wanna call it.

It's a bit painful to think about the oportunity I lost and that it may never come back to me again,but I would probably be feeling worse if I had stick with it.And I know my attitude indicates changes,I know that it means that I'm growing up,that I'm maturing and caring about other people's feelings and sometimes,even putting them before me.I guess that's what it means to be good person,even if right now,I'm a mess of a feelings.

The funny this is I never thought this day would come.In me head,it seemed so impossible and somehow so wrong to put someone's feelings before my will.I always believed I should do what I wanted to,that was my idea of freedom,never caring about anything.

Turns out I was wrong.I mean,freedom is such a hard thing to find...you may have indepencence from your parents,you may have enough money to raise your children and never needing anyone,but somehow,you're always stuck to something.Your responsabilities,a person you can't let go off,or your insecurities.

I'm all about reputation.I may not want to admit it,but I care about what people say about me.I'm all about the perfect outfit and the perfect speech.I'm the one who needs expensive gifts all the time to take the place of other things I do not have.

Maybe I just took too long to see what the real world looks like.Life is supposed to be messy and complicated,and sometimes,I won't even come close of getting what I want.And sometimes,I'll have to choose between hurting someone and hurting myself and that's just the way it is,every once in a while,you have to roll with the punches or take the fall.

And you know,as sad as I am right now with my decision,I'm glad I made it,maybe I'm finally learning something,maybe I'm learning how to take my responsabilities and that's kind of a relief.I guess it was about time.