I miss the times when everything used to be so much simpler.I mean,all I seem to do these days is get myself in trouble.I barely watched any classes this semester,lying to everyone I love,most of my plans didn't work out and I certainly have a shopping problem.
I don't know,it used to be so much easier when I was like,12.All I had to worry about was school,going to mall with my friends and being scared of horror movie.But I guess I didn't really know who I was back then,nowadays I'm still not sure,but I'm glad I grew out of all of that.
I'm glad I'm not so clingy,hanging out with the wrong crowd and trying so hard to be perfect.I'm glad I'm now a more independent person,instead of the scared little girl who couldn't handle a scary story.
It's always so weird when friendships fall apart.I mean,these kids were my friends,we did everything together,we told each other secrets,we shared toys and a whole lot else.My life back then,wouldn't be the same without them.
But I guess it was just not good to me,I didn't belong with them,I couldn't handle the competition,I couldn't handle being the spoiled,insecure pre-teen forever.
I know I'm still too flawed.Even more than I was back then,but I don't know,things are different now,I just don't take crap from people anymore,there's no use in that.I'm who I am and I'm happy that everything changed,that's the way the things were always supposed to be.
I've always been pressured from like,ALL sides.From my family,from school,being a former straight A student,from my friends,who always expected me to be the best in every single thing,from dressing up to telling a fucked up lie.
I grew up with all the privileges an only child can have,but I guess everbody just expected too much from me.
I'm not my perfectly ordinary causin who loves local music and going to the beach.I'm the interesting one,but not in a good way,in my relatives point of view.I'm into high fashion,I love all kinds of art and self expression,I love books,and I'm the shy girl who screwed everything up in the last year of high school and takes anti-depressings now.I see no problem in gay marriage,legalizing marijuana and I hate every kind of religion freak.So,not your everyday girl.
I guess,I've just been like that since I was a little kid.Different,poised.I always knew what to say,how to pretend,elaborate an answer,tell a lie,wear the perfect outfit for the perfect occasion.I've always been secretly insecure too,always so overprocted by my parentes.And,lately,I've been the girl who maked all the wrong choices.
I depend on my happy pills to have a good day,I can't get through a single day without lying to my parents,I hate school,my grades are terrible.I have no clue what to with my life,and I developed a serious compulsion for shopping.
I know it sounds funny,shallow or whatever,but it's just weird.It's like it's stronger than me.I have a closet full of clothes I never wore,bags and bags of make up,shoes for every occasion and somehow I can't stop this urge to shop more.I feel desperate when I don't have a credicard in hand.
Maybe all I want is a thrill,I don't know,something to get excited about,but the only way I feel happy,the only way I can forget my problems is buying new clothes.
It's like an enemy with benefits,I want to drop it but at the same time I enjoy all the privileges.
Sometimes all I want is a way out,someone to talk to,someone who understands.
It's just so lonely up here in my perfectly decorated castle.With my clothes and shoes,and books,waiting and wainting for someone to rescue me.
