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I have been avoiding choosing my classes for next semester.I don't want to back to college.I hate it there,all those people,the teachers and,I don't know...everything out there just freaks me out.

I never thought I would say that,but I miss high school.I miss the same old subjects every year,or how I hated the gym classes and everbody treating you like you were still a little kid.

Everything's so changed now.I take cabs and buses all the time,dad doesn't pick me at school anymore,like he used to.It's fine by me,I guess.Everything just keeps getting harder and harder when I'm around him.

Things are so difficult between us right now.Especially since I managed to screw everything up with my shopping problem and the freaking $ 12.000 credit card bill.God,I hate myself for that,but I hate him too,for never understanding.He's so selfish,so self-centered...I mean,what did he ever do with his life?He made my mom the most unhappy person on the planet,bought a country house he doesn't care about,scared everybody away from him and accumulated tons of money he doesn't care about either.Now he sits around reading his books or sleeping in,or just driving around...sometimes I feel sorry for him,it must be hard to be so lonely,always on his own,but must of the time I just feel angry.And scared,for being like him in so many ways.

I'm just so screwed up.It's like I never leard,I keep making the same mistakes,one after the other,and hurting everybody.

My parents don't trust me anymore,I hide my whole life from my friends,and I just keep getting more and more tangled up in my schemes.

Sometimes I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry,but I'm too afraid that if I do that.I can never stop.Sometimes I wish I was someone else,sometimes I want to sleep through the whole thing,and wake up only when everything is bigger brighter.Most of the time I just wanna bundle up into some big ass lie and get away with everything I did,even though I know it's not the right thing to do.But I never played by the rules,anyway...

There are these rara occasions when I wish I was brave enough to stop fakin' and face the world with my head held high,but it just seems so hard and somehow unrealistic.

I sometimes wish I could go back in time and do everything different,but that's pretty much impossible,I did what I did and there's no way out of that.

So,that's pretty much my life right now.I'm confused,I'm scared and I'm helpless and on top of all that,I'm all alone.Thanks to me,a screwed up person who doesn't matter how hard she tries,she's never on the right path.

That's how I feel,lost in time,seeking so desperately for something that doesn't even exist.