faith

I'm sick to my stomach.As always.

I'm almost getting used to it,this burning sensation,like I want to throw it all up but I can't...

I can't believe how self absorbed I am!Sometimes I think I was born to ruin people's lives.I make everyone's world revolve around me,I don't even know how.I'm always getting in the way of family vacations or weekend gettaways.

Truth is I've always been kind of selfish,or just spoiled,it's hard to tell,but I wish my parents could stop worryin' about me so much,stop doing things because of me.I need to somehow make my way back and I gotta do it on my own.

I guess I grew up a little too fast.I know that I keep talkin' how I'm completely dependent from my parents,but that's just part of how I was raised,who I turned up to be is a completely different matter.I've always behaved like an adult,I've always known what to say,how to dress,when to listen,how to call attention for myself and how to hide.And I've always done things the other silly girls at school woudn't dare doing.That's the kind of world I grew up into,a selected little clique where you're up to anything to impress others,to be the best in everything you do,and after a few years always winning you end up building this weird sense of security,and it's too hard to let go when it slips away.

I think it just happened a little too fast,it's hard to keep track of yourself with so much going on.And I changed so much in these last couple of years.I don't know where all that confidence go,I can't picture myself doing the things I would imagine myself doing,I don't know what to believe anymore.Which is a bit odd for someone who grew up in a traditional catholic family...I mean,since I was a little girl I was taught all these religious values by my family and at the school,and now I just think it sounds too weird for all these people if I say I don't believe in anything.And it's not like I didn't want to,I've tried,but I just can't believe in a God that is never here when I most need Him,who's never able to calm me down,or make me believe in,I don't know...something.

With all these problems going on with my family and my mom losing it and me on the verge of a nervous breakdown,it's hard to.

I just want this year to end,I'm eager for new begginings.

shiny dolls

Mom and dad are traveling 'till Monday.I was left home alone because only the thought of going to the countryside for three days make me wanna vomit.

I'm such a city girl!I not only can survive without my laptop,but the city noises and the thousand different lights and everything I need avaiable at the closest avenue.That's why I can only survive for a couple hours at my dad's ranch,I go crazy with all the silence...where the only thing I have to do is think,and that's exactly what I've been avoiding lately

It feels good to have the house all to myself...'till I start missing mom and dad.I don't know if I could ever get used to living alone,in my own apartment,and I hate the worst being so dependend,of always needing people around in order not to feel lonely.And I've always been like that since I was a little kid.Just a few years back,I was so stuck up that I needed people to order me food at McDonalds.And that's why I can never make any friends at the Photography class,I'm too afraid to talk to people.

Well,there was a short period when I was going to the shrink that I got a little bit better,but then I stopped and everything got downhill from that.

Yesterday after I got back from my walk I was looking for envelopes at my dad's desk and found a bunch of old pictures.My parents wedding day,photos of my dead grandparents,my brother as a baby,me as a baby,so skinny and fragile,dad wearing Ray Bans and looking like such a comunist...Mom looking all cute with tons of hairspray...she looked like such a little girl.I mean,she didn't look like and adult at all at that time,like she does now.I don't know,but it's just so weird to think that my parents had a life before me.I look at my mom and my aunts and my friends' mothers and I just can't help but wonder how did that happen,how did they turn from girls to women,how did they cross the line...

My mom is such a mistery for me sometimes!I mean,there are aspects of her personaly that I know more than the palm of my hand,but I know some things she keeps hidden,I guess everyone does,and I know that she is way more open and talk ative and fun to be around than I am.

I'm completely closed off.It's like I've build this wall between me and other people and I know that takes too long for me to let them in,especially boys.I just don't know why I'm like this,always so afraid of getting hurt or desapointed,or betrayed...Maybe my parents marriage caused more colateral dammage than I thought was possible,maybe it is their fault...But the thing is,I'm fucking tired of being an enigma.I've been like this my whole life,always teasing people to get to know me and never letting them.I just don't know when it got so messed up and now I don't even know how to stop it.

Last night I went to a Halloween Party and it was awesome.I've always loved the spirit of the holyday,the idea that only for one night you can dress up be whatever you want,and next day everything is back to normal.Well,except for little girls who've been wearing costumes for so long that they ended up forgetting who they were before they put them on.