bye,bye 2009!

Yaay,last day of 2009!Gosh,I'm so happy is almost over >.<

I mean,it was a good year and all,but I want 2010 to be even better...

These last two months have been crazy,so many happened in this past week,I don't even know how to explain.

I mean,I've done a lot of bad things these days,including lying to my mom,but I never expected that someone I trusted so much would actually tell on me,and it will take a while for me to forgive it,but I'm moving on.Maybe that's my resolution for 2010,don't let things get to me so much.I'm determined to be happy.

I just found out that my classes start too early,at February 1st,but I'm ok with it,I will probably be bored to death by the end of next month anyway...'till then,guess I'm gonna party and go shopping,or go to the movies,maybe go to the beach house:)

Last night was so rad that I actuallty didn't want it to end.It was the perfect party,the perfect company,I wish every night of my life was like that.Feels so good to de opened up to life again like that,I missed it this whole time I was feeling incredibly depressed.

It was about time I came up from this hole I buried myself into,I'm way too young to be worryin' so much about everything,now it's time to live it up:)

changes

I can't believe it's almost Christmas!And I know it doesn't sound like me at all,but I'm kind of excited...I've always loved it,since I was a little kid,and for the first time in many,many years everything seems to be falling back on it's place,and I can't even begin to describe how good it feels.

Ok,my extremely lame aunt is staying here for a while,and I'll start my driving lessons in January,wich I'm NOT excited about,contrary to most people,and that the end of semester at college pretty much sucked,I'm still happy and trying to figure it all out.

You know,something got me wondering if we're all born with a certain amount of luck.If it's supposed to be like this,some people will always enjoy their good fortune while others don't,if our destiny is already traced way before we were born.Like me being the spoiled Ice Princess,who has the perfect clothes,shoes and make up,and my cousin,who has to deal with her parents money problems,moving out all the time and her train reck of a mother.I mean,she's not any worse than I am,it just gets me thinking what did she do to deserve this,and more important,how I ended up being the messed up one,if I was the girl who had the perfect everything?

Well,I guess we all deal with our problems in different ways,and somehow,we all find a way to cope,it's just the way life is,we get used to whatever our fate is.

I just hope everything turns out okay for her,cause even wicked bitches like me have a heart.We grew up together after all.I remember we were like sisters when we were little kids,fighting and making up all the time,traveling together on sommer and sharing the same crush...it's just impossible not to love someone under those circunstances,and she knows that even if we are so far apart right now,I still wish her all the best.

I really hope next year everything gets better for everyone.2009 was hard one for a lot of people,but for once,I'll alllow myself to get my hopes up and try not to complain too much,and most important of all,I'll try to seek confort on the people around me instead of keeping it all to myself,'cause we all heve something in common in a way or another,we're all waiting for something.Somebody to love,your dream job,an answer,the time of your life,for something to make or whatever...the truth is that we're all on the same boat,and it's good to know you're not alone.

.

There this one question that I can say I spent my whole life avoiding the answer or denying it,I don't really know...But I just cannot pretend anymore,the truth is out and it hurts the worst,but I can't scape it.

I think someday,when things were different,I was his little girl,and my dad would do anything for me,he was my hero,he was the one who could protect me from the bad stuff and I miss this time so much!But I grew up,things happened and I think we both changed too much,and we've grown apart in a way that there's no more dialog or walks on the beach or Teddy Bears when I get sick.Now the only thing left are silent rides on my way to college and awkward meetings on the hallway.

And I know he thinks I'm stupid too.That he thinks I don't know a damn thing about the world or about people,but I know way more than he does.At least,in my weird,stuck up way I know I should look them in the eye when they talk to me and give them the least bit of respect,so they'll respect me too.

Well,the question I was so desperately trying to avoid is if he really loves me,if someday he had,and the answer is no,he never did.He just did what he was obligated to and out of convenience,but he doesn't love me.And I know this is gonna sound bitter,but he doesn't love anyone.

I mean,no father in the world would make his kid go through all of this.

And I'm so freaking desappointed and it hurts so fucking much that I can't even begin to describe it!It's plain horrible and I know I'll never be able to forgive him completely or heal completely,I know it'll always hurt when I think about it,but I still can't stop caring about him...

I guess that's just it,I was living in a fairy tale,and the truth is kinda too much,but I still need him,I still miss this other part of me that I know it's his to fill,and it hurts,hurts,hurts...