so scared of getting old,I'm only good at being young

I've been sick all week,but I least I was able to sleep last night.I can't even believe how sore my throat is:/

Of course my antibodies found the perfect timing to stop working.I mean,classes start on Monday,'till then I have to be perfectly healthy to take six subjects per week and maybe an intership.

Sometimes I don't get my decisions.I've always wanted to be independent and successful,but whatever I get a chance to be one of these...well,I get too afraid to take it.

The fact is I can't stop wondering if maybe this is all too much.The six subjects,the intership at the newspaper and all these tons of responsability.I wonder if I would be able to handle it,and for how long,and if I'm really ready to be so grown up all of sudden.But that's something I need to do sooner or later.

I know that if I want to grow up and do everything on my own,I have to stop clinging in memories and all these strings that keep pulling me back to my past,but it's just difficult to with the kind of upbringing I've had.

I'm the little girl my mother always dreamed of,the wish that finally came true after two miscarriages.

I had every sort of toys when I was a kid,every sort of expensive clothes and shoes growing up.Big room,awesome debutant party,great private schools...I had everything I could possibly want,handed to me without any effort,my parentes were always too scared of saying no.

They were to scared I was breakable too.They never let me take buses or walk alone to school or down the street.I was only aloud to take a cab if I had company,and my mom still gets terrified when she can't find me around the house.

It just built a weird sense of security and comfort in me.Somehow,the idea that they would always have my back got stuck in my head.

I know I'm a whole lot different from what my parents imagined I would be.Like everybody else in my clique,I go to wild,raging parties all the time,I tasted my first sip of champagne at eleven,and I did a lot of things that would shock them.

I managed to learn how take buses on my own,and walk down the street without being too afraid of being mugged and I lot of other 'dangerous' things.I achieved as much independence as one could get,being the only and spoiled daughter of a mother who always wanted a little girl.

But sometimes it's too hard to let go.It's hard to grow up and it's not fair at all.There's so much in charge,so many responsabilities and problems for you to solve on your own...

I didn't even have a happy childhood.A very sick sibling and my own fragil health were hard to deal with,I don't even know why I miss this time so much.

Maybe it's the knowing that at that time,I could always climb on my mothers lap wherever I felt scared or sad,that I could always get between my parents in bed when I had nightmares and that they could make the pain go away with a kiss.And mostly,that a simple 'everything will be okay' was enough to make me forget all my fears.Too bad we stop believing in everything or parents say,'cause I used to feel a lot safer at that time.

But that's just life.It's not supposed to be fair or to make sense,at least that was what I was told.And all these changes and responsabilities are pretty much unavoidable,everybody goes through in order to become a real person.I guess it's all still beginning.

the things we do for love...

Sometimes I have a weird period of niceness,where I do what other people want without any aparent reason.I mean,most of the time I stick for what I want and I usually get.It's just the way spoiled little brats like me bahave,we're used to winning.

Well,the thing is,sometimes,what you want may hurt other people's feelings and I may confess that most of the time it doesn't really stop me,but every once in a while it hurts too much to think of hurting someone and sometimes it makes me give up of whatever my plans are,and that's just plain love.It's the only thing that can make someone so driven like me stop on my tracks,back down,give up...whatever you wanna call it.

It's a bit painful to think about the oportunity I lost and that it may never come back to me again,but I would probably be feeling worse if I had stick with it.And I know my attitude indicates changes,I know that it means that I'm growing up,that I'm maturing and caring about other people's feelings and sometimes,even putting them before me.I guess that's what it means to be good person,even if right now,I'm a mess of a feelings.

The funny this is I never thought this day would come.In me head,it seemed so impossible and somehow so wrong to put someone's feelings before my will.I always believed I should do what I wanted to,that was my idea of freedom,never caring about anything.

Turns out I was wrong.I mean,freedom is such a hard thing to find...you may have indepencence from your parents,you may have enough money to raise your children and never needing anyone,but somehow,you're always stuck to something.Your responsabilities,a person you can't let go off,or your insecurities.

I'm all about reputation.I may not want to admit it,but I care about what people say about me.I'm all about the perfect outfit and the perfect speech.I'm the one who needs expensive gifts all the time to take the place of other things I do not have.

Maybe I just took too long to see what the real world looks like.Life is supposed to be messy and complicated,and sometimes,I won't even come close of getting what I want.And sometimes,I'll have to choose between hurting someone and hurting myself and that's just the way it is,every once in a while,you have to roll with the punches or take the fall.

And you know,as sad as I am right now with my decision,I'm glad I made it,maybe I'm finally learning something,maybe I'm learning how to take my responsabilities and that's kind of a relief.I guess it was about time.