I've been sick all week,but I least I was able to sleep last night.I can't even believe how sore my throat is:/
Of course my antibodies found the perfect timing to stop working.I mean,classes start on Monday,'till then I have to be perfectly healthy to take six subjects per week and maybe an intership.
Sometimes I don't get my decisions.I've always wanted to be independent and successful,but whatever I get a chance to be one of these...well,I get too afraid to take it.
The fact is I can't stop wondering if maybe this is all too much.The six subjects,the intership at the newspaper and all these tons of responsability.I wonder if I would be able to handle it,and for how long,and if I'm really ready to be so grown up all of sudden.But that's something I need to do sooner or later.
I know that if I want to grow up and do everything on my own,I have to stop clinging in memories and all these strings that keep pulling me back to my past,but it's just difficult to with the kind of upbringing I've had.
I'm the little girl my mother always dreamed of,the wish that finally came true after two miscarriages.
I had every sort of toys when I was a kid,every sort of expensive clothes and shoes growing up.Big room,awesome debutant party,great private schools...I had everything I could possibly want,handed to me without any effort,my parentes were always too scared of saying no.
They were to scared I was breakable too.They never let me take buses or walk alone to school or down the street.I was only aloud to take a cab if I had company,and my mom still gets terrified when she can't find me around the house.
It just built a weird sense of security and comfort in me.Somehow,the idea that they would always have my back got stuck in my head.
I know I'm a whole lot different from what my parents imagined I would be.Like everybody else in my clique,I go to wild,raging parties all the time,I tasted my first sip of champagne at eleven,and I did a lot of things that would shock them.
I managed to learn how take buses on my own,and walk down the street without being too afraid of being mugged and I lot of other 'dangerous' things.I achieved as much independence as one could get,being the only and spoiled daughter of a mother who always wanted a little girl.
But sometimes it's too hard to let go.It's hard to grow up and it's not fair at all.There's so much in charge,so many responsabilities and problems for you to solve on your own...
I didn't even have a happy childhood.A very sick sibling and my own fragil health were hard to deal with,I don't even know why I miss this time so much.
Maybe it's the knowing that at that time,I could always climb on my mothers lap wherever I felt scared or sad,that I could always get between my parents in bed when I had nightmares and that they could make the pain go away with a kiss.And mostly,that a simple 'everything will be okay' was enough to make me forget all my fears.Too bad we stop believing in everything or parents say,'cause I used to feel a lot safer at that time.
But that's just life.It's not supposed to be fair or to make sense,at least that was what I was told.And all these changes and responsabilities are pretty much unavoidable,everybody goes through in order to become a real person.I guess it's all still beginning.
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