bye,bye 2009!

Yaay,last day of 2009!Gosh,I'm so happy is almost over >.<

I mean,it was a good year and all,but I want 2010 to be even better...

These last two months have been crazy,so many happened in this past week,I don't even know how to explain.

I mean,I've done a lot of bad things these days,including lying to my mom,but I never expected that someone I trusted so much would actually tell on me,and it will take a while for me to forgive it,but I'm moving on.Maybe that's my resolution for 2010,don't let things get to me so much.I'm determined to be happy.

I just found out that my classes start too early,at February 1st,but I'm ok with it,I will probably be bored to death by the end of next month anyway...'till then,guess I'm gonna party and go shopping,or go to the movies,maybe go to the beach house:)

Last night was so rad that I actuallty didn't want it to end.It was the perfect party,the perfect company,I wish every night of my life was like that.Feels so good to de opened up to life again like that,I missed it this whole time I was feeling incredibly depressed.

It was about time I came up from this hole I buried myself into,I'm way too young to be worryin' so much about everything,now it's time to live it up:)

changes

I can't believe it's almost Christmas!And I know it doesn't sound like me at all,but I'm kind of excited...I've always loved it,since I was a little kid,and for the first time in many,many years everything seems to be falling back on it's place,and I can't even begin to describe how good it feels.

Ok,my extremely lame aunt is staying here for a while,and I'll start my driving lessons in January,wich I'm NOT excited about,contrary to most people,and that the end of semester at college pretty much sucked,I'm still happy and trying to figure it all out.

You know,something got me wondering if we're all born with a certain amount of luck.If it's supposed to be like this,some people will always enjoy their good fortune while others don't,if our destiny is already traced way before we were born.Like me being the spoiled Ice Princess,who has the perfect clothes,shoes and make up,and my cousin,who has to deal with her parents money problems,moving out all the time and her train reck of a mother.I mean,she's not any worse than I am,it just gets me thinking what did she do to deserve this,and more important,how I ended up being the messed up one,if I was the girl who had the perfect everything?

Well,I guess we all deal with our problems in different ways,and somehow,we all find a way to cope,it's just the way life is,we get used to whatever our fate is.

I just hope everything turns out okay for her,cause even wicked bitches like me have a heart.We grew up together after all.I remember we were like sisters when we were little kids,fighting and making up all the time,traveling together on sommer and sharing the same crush...it's just impossible not to love someone under those circunstances,and she knows that even if we are so far apart right now,I still wish her all the best.

I really hope next year everything gets better for everyone.2009 was hard one for a lot of people,but for once,I'll alllow myself to get my hopes up and try not to complain too much,and most important of all,I'll try to seek confort on the people around me instead of keeping it all to myself,'cause we all heve something in common in a way or another,we're all waiting for something.Somebody to love,your dream job,an answer,the time of your life,for something to make or whatever...the truth is that we're all on the same boat,and it's good to know you're not alone.

.

There this one question that I can say I spent my whole life avoiding the answer or denying it,I don't really know...But I just cannot pretend anymore,the truth is out and it hurts the worst,but I can't scape it.

I think someday,when things were different,I was his little girl,and my dad would do anything for me,he was my hero,he was the one who could protect me from the bad stuff and I miss this time so much!But I grew up,things happened and I think we both changed too much,and we've grown apart in a way that there's no more dialog or walks on the beach or Teddy Bears when I get sick.Now the only thing left are silent rides on my way to college and awkward meetings on the hallway.

And I know he thinks I'm stupid too.That he thinks I don't know a damn thing about the world or about people,but I know way more than he does.At least,in my weird,stuck up way I know I should look them in the eye when they talk to me and give them the least bit of respect,so they'll respect me too.

Well,the question I was so desperately trying to avoid is if he really loves me,if someday he had,and the answer is no,he never did.He just did what he was obligated to and out of convenience,but he doesn't love me.And I know this is gonna sound bitter,but he doesn't love anyone.

I mean,no father in the world would make his kid go through all of this.

And I'm so freaking desappointed and it hurts so fucking much that I can't even begin to describe it!It's plain horrible and I know I'll never be able to forgive him completely or heal completely,I know it'll always hurt when I think about it,but I still can't stop caring about him...

I guess that's just it,I was living in a fairy tale,and the truth is kinda too much,but I still need him,I still miss this other part of me that I know it's his to fill,and it hurts,hurts,hurts...

faith

I'm sick to my stomach.As always.

I'm almost getting used to it,this burning sensation,like I want to throw it all up but I can't...

I can't believe how self absorbed I am!Sometimes I think I was born to ruin people's lives.I make everyone's world revolve around me,I don't even know how.I'm always getting in the way of family vacations or weekend gettaways.

Truth is I've always been kind of selfish,or just spoiled,it's hard to tell,but I wish my parents could stop worryin' about me so much,stop doing things because of me.I need to somehow make my way back and I gotta do it on my own.

I guess I grew up a little too fast.I know that I keep talkin' how I'm completely dependent from my parents,but that's just part of how I was raised,who I turned up to be is a completely different matter.I've always behaved like an adult,I've always known what to say,how to dress,when to listen,how to call attention for myself and how to hide.And I've always done things the other silly girls at school woudn't dare doing.That's the kind of world I grew up into,a selected little clique where you're up to anything to impress others,to be the best in everything you do,and after a few years always winning you end up building this weird sense of security,and it's too hard to let go when it slips away.

I think it just happened a little too fast,it's hard to keep track of yourself with so much going on.And I changed so much in these last couple of years.I don't know where all that confidence go,I can't picture myself doing the things I would imagine myself doing,I don't know what to believe anymore.Which is a bit odd for someone who grew up in a traditional catholic family...I mean,since I was a little girl I was taught all these religious values by my family and at the school,and now I just think it sounds too weird for all these people if I say I don't believe in anything.And it's not like I didn't want to,I've tried,but I just can't believe in a God that is never here when I most need Him,who's never able to calm me down,or make me believe in,I don't know...something.

With all these problems going on with my family and my mom losing it and me on the verge of a nervous breakdown,it's hard to.

I just want this year to end,I'm eager for new begginings.

shiny dolls

Mom and dad are traveling 'till Monday.I was left home alone because only the thought of going to the countryside for three days make me wanna vomit.

I'm such a city girl!I not only can survive without my laptop,but the city noises and the thousand different lights and everything I need avaiable at the closest avenue.That's why I can only survive for a couple hours at my dad's ranch,I go crazy with all the silence...where the only thing I have to do is think,and that's exactly what I've been avoiding lately

It feels good to have the house all to myself...'till I start missing mom and dad.I don't know if I could ever get used to living alone,in my own apartment,and I hate the worst being so dependend,of always needing people around in order not to feel lonely.And I've always been like that since I was a little kid.Just a few years back,I was so stuck up that I needed people to order me food at McDonalds.And that's why I can never make any friends at the Photography class,I'm too afraid to talk to people.

Well,there was a short period when I was going to the shrink that I got a little bit better,but then I stopped and everything got downhill from that.

Yesterday after I got back from my walk I was looking for envelopes at my dad's desk and found a bunch of old pictures.My parents wedding day,photos of my dead grandparents,my brother as a baby,me as a baby,so skinny and fragile,dad wearing Ray Bans and looking like such a comunist...Mom looking all cute with tons of hairspray...she looked like such a little girl.I mean,she didn't look like and adult at all at that time,like she does now.I don't know,but it's just so weird to think that my parents had a life before me.I look at my mom and my aunts and my friends' mothers and I just can't help but wonder how did that happen,how did they turn from girls to women,how did they cross the line...

My mom is such a mistery for me sometimes!I mean,there are aspects of her personaly that I know more than the palm of my hand,but I know some things she keeps hidden,I guess everyone does,and I know that she is way more open and talk ative and fun to be around than I am.

I'm completely closed off.It's like I've build this wall between me and other people and I know that takes too long for me to let them in,especially boys.I just don't know why I'm like this,always so afraid of getting hurt or desapointed,or betrayed...Maybe my parents marriage caused more colateral dammage than I thought was possible,maybe it is their fault...But the thing is,I'm fucking tired of being an enigma.I've been like this my whole life,always teasing people to get to know me and never letting them.I just don't know when it got so messed up and now I don't even know how to stop it.

Last night I went to a Halloween Party and it was awesome.I've always loved the spirit of the holyday,the idea that only for one night you can dress up be whatever you want,and next day everything is back to normal.Well,except for little girls who've been wearing costumes for so long that they ended up forgetting who they were before they put them on.

hope.

God,what a horrible week!I spend the last for days just waiting for something to make sense,or to feel real.Lookin' for a tiny bit of reality,for something relatable,familiar,that I can find out how it turns out just by lookin' at it.No surprises.

I'm so tired of the bad news,of never being able to control my anxiety,of always lashing out at people for it.

I'm so fed up of my new stupid classmates too.Of all the BS they keep talkin' about and how they always seem to see me like most people:An Ice Princess.The cold girl who never cares about the rest of the world,trapped in her own glass castle,staring at them from the top of a tower,never backing down,never regretting anything.

And I don't let them think otherwise,better be branded as an Ice Princess than a loser who can't make any friends.And anyways,they're probably right about it.I mean,I'm the one who grew up as a spoiled little brat and turned out to be a stuck up girl,who never asks for any favors and always gets everything she wants.I'm the one who in order not to suffer,refuses to feel anything.

My family is falling apart too.And seems like this is the only thing in the world that is not my fault.Guess I can count on my stupid relatives to always stir up some trouble.I don't think I can handle the fights anymore.All the talking,the money problems,who only my dad can solve.

I know it sounds selfish,but for once in my life I wish I could have a normal life,with them living far away from us and never visiting.

It's so weird that I never even felt close to them.I'm mean we're family,but somehow,they found a way to push me out.

Guess they never understood me.For them,I'm just the petulant little bitch who always seem to ruin their lives with her opinions.And I know they never knew me,that's for sure.I'm still this mistery who does't look a thing like their children and hates stupid parties and doesn't study law.

I guess it would be the strangest thing to see the world with their eyes.Missing all the important little things and living a constant lie.Turning all the magic into useless stuff.

But enough about them,talk about them makes me even more sad,if that's even possible.

Last night was one of the most terrible nights ever.One of those days that you have no fucking idea what's ahead of you,and your future looks scary as hell.I cried like a baby reading a book,tried to run away from all my worries with no success,that incertanty would always catch up with me,so I went to the only place that could make me forget all of my problems at least for a little while,my best friend's house.And in the end,I saw that little slant of light,that tiny bit of hope that would keep me going and things slightly changed.

Guess I'm ready for this new life and for these new challenges.Only this time,I'm gonna make it my own.

this side of heaven,this close to hell

Não tenho nem palavras para descrever o quando é bom voltar às aulas.Por mais que minhas férias tenham sido maravilhosas e que eu já sinta falta de uma pessoinha ou outra,para mim,é de uma paz infinita voltar a ler os meus textos e ter um milhão de compromissos,embora eu saiba que isso é um tanto contraditório.

A verdade é que eu sempre fui bastante ambígua.Paz para mim pode ser desde ler um livro,até ter dez milhões de coisas para fazer sem um pingo de tempo.
Acho que eu sou o tipo de pessoa,que dependendo do dia,tanto faz pra mim ficar quieta ou trabalhar,já que eu me encaixo tão bem nos dois e sei tirar bom proveito tanto da pressa quanto da tranquilidade.
Minha mãe costumava dizer que qualquer lugar é bom para mim,contanto que eu esteja aprendendo algo novo e exibindo minha sabedoria(sendo essa última parte uma meia verdade,rs)

De qualquer forma,eu me sinto a vontade com mil responsabilidades,dá uma sensação de dever cumprido e ajuda um pouco a controlar as minhas manias,que é algo que eu venho tentando há algum tempo.

Se eu tivesse que me descrever em uma palavra,seria 'impulsiva'.No sentido mais amplo que você puder imaginar,do tipo que fala o que não deve e sempre faz o que quer,por mais que as consequências não sejam agradáveis.
Em outras palavras,eu nunca tive o que as pessoas chamam de 'meio-termo'.Eu sempre fui 8 ou 80.Ou eu estudo demais ou não estudo nada,faço tudo de uma vez ou coisa nenhuma,bebo muito ou acabo não bebendo...Eu nunca achei a minha balança,eu nunca achei o meu limite ou àquela vozinha na minha cabeça dizendo 'pára','já chega'.Eu estou sepre a 120 por hora e sem destino algum.
Talvez por sempre ter sido a criança mimada,que sempre tem o que quer quando bem entende e em certo ponto,acaba saindo dos trilhos.

Eu acho que perdi e encontrei o meu caminho pelo o menos umas dez vezes só esse ano.O que é meio difícil de acreditar,quando eu aparento ser uma pessoa tão certinha e organizada,com tudo sempre no lugar.
E isso foi verdade por muito tempo,eu gostava de ter as coisas sob controle até perder o controle de vez.Para mim algo só valia à pena se eu tivesse total domínio,se eu soubesse o final desde o início.
É inútil dizer que eu quebrei a cara inúmeras vezes,especialmente levando em conta o quanto é difícil as coisas saírem como planejadas.

É engraçado como a gente de vez em quando acredita tando em uma mentira,que para nós ela acaba se tornando verdade.Eu sempre achei que tudo ía dar certo se eu me esforçasse o suficiente,se eu depositasse toda a minha energia,tudo que eu tinha em algo,mas no final das contas,às vezes o nosso melhor não é o suficiente.
E quando tudo deu errado e tudo que eu acreditava desapareceu,eu meio que perdi o meu rumo.
E eu venho oscilando até hoje.Tentando demaise em certos dias,me acomodando em outros,tentando achar a tal balança.

Enquanto eu não consigo,só me resta seguir em frente.