trapped

I miss the times when everything used to be so much simpler.I mean,all I seem to do these days is get myself in trouble.I barely watched any classes this semester,lying to everyone I love,most of my plans didn't work out and I certainly have a shopping problem.

I don't know,it used to be so much easier when I was like,12.All I had to worry about was school,going to mall with my friends and being scared of horror movie.But I guess I didn't really know who I was back then,nowadays I'm still not sure,but I'm glad I grew out of all of that.

I'm glad I'm not so clingy,hanging out with the wrong crowd and trying so hard to be perfect.I'm glad I'm now a more independent person,instead of the scared little girl who couldn't handle a scary story.

It's always so weird when friendships fall apart.I mean,these kids were my friends,we did everything together,we told each other secrets,we shared toys and a whole lot else.My life back then,wouldn't be the same without them.

But I guess it was just not good to me,I didn't belong with them,I couldn't handle the competition,I couldn't handle being the spoiled,insecure pre-teen forever.

I know I'm still too flawed.Even more than I was back then,but I don't know,things are different now,I just don't take crap from people anymore,there's no use in that.I'm who I am and I'm happy that everything changed,that's the way the things were always supposed to be.

I've always been pressured from like,ALL sides.From my family,from school,being a former straight A student,from my friends,who always expected me to be the best in every single thing,from dressing up to telling a fucked up lie.

I grew up with all the privileges an only child can have,but I guess everbody just expected too much from me.

I'm not my perfectly ordinary causin who loves local music and going to the beach.I'm the interesting one,but not in a good way,in my relatives point of view.I'm into high fashion,I love all kinds of art and self expression,I love books,and I'm the shy girl who screwed everything up in the last year of high school and takes anti-depressings now.I see no problem in gay marriage,legalizing marijuana and I hate every kind of religion freak.So,not your everyday girl.

I guess,I've just been like that since I was a little kid.Different,poised.I always knew what to say,how to pretend,elaborate an answer,tell a lie,wear the perfect outfit for the perfect occasion.I've always been secretly insecure too,always so overprocted by my parentes.And,lately,I've been the girl who maked all the wrong choices.

I depend on my happy pills to have a good day,I can't get through a single day without lying to my parents,I hate school,my grades are terrible.I have no clue what to with my life,and I developed a serious compulsion for shopping.

I know it sounds funny,shallow or whatever,but it's just weird.It's like it's stronger than me.I have a closet full of clothes I never wore,bags and bags of make up,shoes for every occasion and somehow I can't stop this urge to shop more.I feel desperate when I don't have a credicard in hand.

Maybe all I want is a thrill,I don't know,something to get excited about,but the only way I feel happy,the only way I can forget my problems is buying new clothes.

It's like an enemy with benefits,I want to drop it but at the same time I enjoy all the privileges.

Sometimes all I want is a way out,someone to talk to,someone who understands.

It's just so lonely up here in my perfectly decorated castle.With my clothes and shoes,and books,waiting and wainting for someone to rescue me.

-

It's been a while since I don't write here.And if there's anything I can tell you is that I'm having a terribly bad day.I'm feeling anxious,I can't concentrate and everything just seems so boring and uniportant...

Things have been difficult this year and I wish I could cope better with all that,but everything is moving a little too fast and I guess that scares me.I hate changes,always have,so sometimes I keep trying to get things to slow down for a moment,but it's always useless,I can't stop this train.

It's been a week since I don't touch my books or homework and I hate going too college now.I'm feeling sleepy all the time,my lips are sore and I have bruises all over my body.I look like a rape victim,only worse.

I don't feel like putting make or dressing up,parties do not seem so fun and I'm pushing everybody away.I just don't wanna deal with people right now.Seems hard.

The only thing I seem to enjoy is being on this computer and reading my books.I'm becoming a loser,someone who wonders on the halls alone,keeping everybody out.

This past few weeks I thinking about going to the shrink again.I did analyses a few years ago and it really,really helped.It was such a difficult time and it really made my life slide and shift and adjust to a safe place.But then came the medicines and I stopped feeling anxious and insecure all the time so I just stopped.The pills still work their magic in me,but sometimes I rally need someone to talk to.Someone who won't judge and will be understanding,someone older than me that knows what I'm going to,someone who feels like the perfect best friend.

Changing the subject,I've been missing someone lately.Someone I barely know and who I hooked up once at the movies.He's loving and charming,and smells delicious.For some reason I can't stop thinking about his lips and he moved them across my neck,discovering my low points all at once.

so scared of getting old,I'm only good at being young

I've been sick all week,but I least I was able to sleep last night.I can't even believe how sore my throat is:/

Of course my antibodies found the perfect timing to stop working.I mean,classes start on Monday,'till then I have to be perfectly healthy to take six subjects per week and maybe an intership.

Sometimes I don't get my decisions.I've always wanted to be independent and successful,but whatever I get a chance to be one of these...well,I get too afraid to take it.

The fact is I can't stop wondering if maybe this is all too much.The six subjects,the intership at the newspaper and all these tons of responsability.I wonder if I would be able to handle it,and for how long,and if I'm really ready to be so grown up all of sudden.But that's something I need to do sooner or later.

I know that if I want to grow up and do everything on my own,I have to stop clinging in memories and all these strings that keep pulling me back to my past,but it's just difficult to with the kind of upbringing I've had.

I'm the little girl my mother always dreamed of,the wish that finally came true after two miscarriages.

I had every sort of toys when I was a kid,every sort of expensive clothes and shoes growing up.Big room,awesome debutant party,great private schools...I had everything I could possibly want,handed to me without any effort,my parentes were always too scared of saying no.

They were to scared I was breakable too.They never let me take buses or walk alone to school or down the street.I was only aloud to take a cab if I had company,and my mom still gets terrified when she can't find me around the house.

It just built a weird sense of security and comfort in me.Somehow,the idea that they would always have my back got stuck in my head.

I know I'm a whole lot different from what my parents imagined I would be.Like everybody else in my clique,I go to wild,raging parties all the time,I tasted my first sip of champagne at eleven,and I did a lot of things that would shock them.

I managed to learn how take buses on my own,and walk down the street without being too afraid of being mugged and I lot of other 'dangerous' things.I achieved as much independence as one could get,being the only and spoiled daughter of a mother who always wanted a little girl.

But sometimes it's too hard to let go.It's hard to grow up and it's not fair at all.There's so much in charge,so many responsabilities and problems for you to solve on your own...

I didn't even have a happy childhood.A very sick sibling and my own fragil health were hard to deal with,I don't even know why I miss this time so much.

Maybe it's the knowing that at that time,I could always climb on my mothers lap wherever I felt scared or sad,that I could always get between my parents in bed when I had nightmares and that they could make the pain go away with a kiss.And mostly,that a simple 'everything will be okay' was enough to make me forget all my fears.Too bad we stop believing in everything or parents say,'cause I used to feel a lot safer at that time.

But that's just life.It's not supposed to be fair or to make sense,at least that was what I was told.And all these changes and responsabilities are pretty much unavoidable,everybody goes through in order to become a real person.I guess it's all still beginning.

the things we do for love...

Sometimes I have a weird period of niceness,where I do what other people want without any aparent reason.I mean,most of the time I stick for what I want and I usually get.It's just the way spoiled little brats like me bahave,we're used to winning.

Well,the thing is,sometimes,what you want may hurt other people's feelings and I may confess that most of the time it doesn't really stop me,but every once in a while it hurts too much to think of hurting someone and sometimes it makes me give up of whatever my plans are,and that's just plain love.It's the only thing that can make someone so driven like me stop on my tracks,back down,give up...whatever you wanna call it.

It's a bit painful to think about the oportunity I lost and that it may never come back to me again,but I would probably be feeling worse if I had stick with it.And I know my attitude indicates changes,I know that it means that I'm growing up,that I'm maturing and caring about other people's feelings and sometimes,even putting them before me.I guess that's what it means to be good person,even if right now,I'm a mess of a feelings.

The funny this is I never thought this day would come.In me head,it seemed so impossible and somehow so wrong to put someone's feelings before my will.I always believed I should do what I wanted to,that was my idea of freedom,never caring about anything.

Turns out I was wrong.I mean,freedom is such a hard thing to find...you may have indepencence from your parents,you may have enough money to raise your children and never needing anyone,but somehow,you're always stuck to something.Your responsabilities,a person you can't let go off,or your insecurities.

I'm all about reputation.I may not want to admit it,but I care about what people say about me.I'm all about the perfect outfit and the perfect speech.I'm the one who needs expensive gifts all the time to take the place of other things I do not have.

Maybe I just took too long to see what the real world looks like.Life is supposed to be messy and complicated,and sometimes,I won't even come close of getting what I want.And sometimes,I'll have to choose between hurting someone and hurting myself and that's just the way it is,every once in a while,you have to roll with the punches or take the fall.

And you know,as sad as I am right now with my decision,I'm glad I made it,maybe I'm finally learning something,maybe I'm learning how to take my responsabilities and that's kind of a relief.I guess it was about time.

bye,bye 2009!

Yaay,last day of 2009!Gosh,I'm so happy is almost over >.<

I mean,it was a good year and all,but I want 2010 to be even better...

These last two months have been crazy,so many happened in this past week,I don't even know how to explain.

I mean,I've done a lot of bad things these days,including lying to my mom,but I never expected that someone I trusted so much would actually tell on me,and it will take a while for me to forgive it,but I'm moving on.Maybe that's my resolution for 2010,don't let things get to me so much.I'm determined to be happy.

I just found out that my classes start too early,at February 1st,but I'm ok with it,I will probably be bored to death by the end of next month anyway...'till then,guess I'm gonna party and go shopping,or go to the movies,maybe go to the beach house:)

Last night was so rad that I actuallty didn't want it to end.It was the perfect party,the perfect company,I wish every night of my life was like that.Feels so good to de opened up to life again like that,I missed it this whole time I was feeling incredibly depressed.

It was about time I came up from this hole I buried myself into,I'm way too young to be worryin' so much about everything,now it's time to live it up:)

changes

I can't believe it's almost Christmas!And I know it doesn't sound like me at all,but I'm kind of excited...I've always loved it,since I was a little kid,and for the first time in many,many years everything seems to be falling back on it's place,and I can't even begin to describe how good it feels.

Ok,my extremely lame aunt is staying here for a while,and I'll start my driving lessons in January,wich I'm NOT excited about,contrary to most people,and that the end of semester at college pretty much sucked,I'm still happy and trying to figure it all out.

You know,something got me wondering if we're all born with a certain amount of luck.If it's supposed to be like this,some people will always enjoy their good fortune while others don't,if our destiny is already traced way before we were born.Like me being the spoiled Ice Princess,who has the perfect clothes,shoes and make up,and my cousin,who has to deal with her parents money problems,moving out all the time and her train reck of a mother.I mean,she's not any worse than I am,it just gets me thinking what did she do to deserve this,and more important,how I ended up being the messed up one,if I was the girl who had the perfect everything?

Well,I guess we all deal with our problems in different ways,and somehow,we all find a way to cope,it's just the way life is,we get used to whatever our fate is.

I just hope everything turns out okay for her,cause even wicked bitches like me have a heart.We grew up together after all.I remember we were like sisters when we were little kids,fighting and making up all the time,traveling together on sommer and sharing the same crush...it's just impossible not to love someone under those circunstances,and she knows that even if we are so far apart right now,I still wish her all the best.

I really hope next year everything gets better for everyone.2009 was hard one for a lot of people,but for once,I'll alllow myself to get my hopes up and try not to complain too much,and most important of all,I'll try to seek confort on the people around me instead of keeping it all to myself,'cause we all heve something in common in a way or another,we're all waiting for something.Somebody to love,your dream job,an answer,the time of your life,for something to make or whatever...the truth is that we're all on the same boat,and it's good to know you're not alone.

.

There this one question that I can say I spent my whole life avoiding the answer or denying it,I don't really know...But I just cannot pretend anymore,the truth is out and it hurts the worst,but I can't scape it.

I think someday,when things were different,I was his little girl,and my dad would do anything for me,he was my hero,he was the one who could protect me from the bad stuff and I miss this time so much!But I grew up,things happened and I think we both changed too much,and we've grown apart in a way that there's no more dialog or walks on the beach or Teddy Bears when I get sick.Now the only thing left are silent rides on my way to college and awkward meetings on the hallway.

And I know he thinks I'm stupid too.That he thinks I don't know a damn thing about the world or about people,but I know way more than he does.At least,in my weird,stuck up way I know I should look them in the eye when they talk to me and give them the least bit of respect,so they'll respect me too.

Well,the question I was so desperately trying to avoid is if he really loves me,if someday he had,and the answer is no,he never did.He just did what he was obligated to and out of convenience,but he doesn't love me.And I know this is gonna sound bitter,but he doesn't love anyone.

I mean,no father in the world would make his kid go through all of this.

And I'm so freaking desappointed and it hurts so fucking much that I can't even begin to describe it!It's plain horrible and I know I'll never be able to forgive him completely or heal completely,I know it'll always hurt when I think about it,but I still can't stop caring about him...

I guess that's just it,I was living in a fairy tale,and the truth is kinda too much,but I still need him,I still miss this other part of me that I know it's his to fill,and it hurts,hurts,hurts...