faith over fear(or I wish)

I'm too insecure.And I hate that.

You know what,I know what I am,I know that people see me as unaproachable,or too uptight,and I know that most of the time I'm too scared to let go,of being my own person...I'm too shy too,and I hate to admit that,but I hide behind my clothes,and my books and my fancy shoes,to distract everyone else from the fact that I can't be like them.

I'm a runner,I always try to scape when things are going too good.I'll never be the kind of girl who feels safe and happy being in a long term relationship,that can dress whatever she wants and feel amazing,I'll never be the kind of girl who feels beautiful without no make up on or has no self image issues.

I wish I was,tough.It's way easier to be confident,to voice your opinions whatever you feel like it,to trust people,to trust myself to be who I am and not be ashamed of any of it.I'd love to be like the girls in my class,always so bubbly,so easygoing and talkative,cracking jokes all the time,without even worrying if they'll sound ridiculous.

I'm sick of being the quiet one,to take too long to trust people and of always running away whenever I'm feeling something different...and good.I guess I'm just too afraid of messing it all up,I'm guess I find it safer if I just keep my distance you know,I'm scared to let go and get hurt,I'm scared that something bad is going to happen if I feel too happy,like it's wrong or I don't deserve it.

But I know I do,everybody does,I just wish I could feel it all,without being too overwhelmed or afraid,I wish I could feel it all just being me and let all the pain,all the fear go away...

I just don't know how.

I don't know how to tell the truth,and now my lies had finally caught up with me.The weirdest thing is that it was so easy to tell before I dug a whole for myself,hiding it for so long...I'm tired of causing problems,of lying to everyone,of being unkind to other people without knowing why.

I wish I could understant why I push the limits so much.Why I keep testing people and how they'll go for me if it's no use,if it always ends up with someone hurt.

I wanna change.I wanna be all outgoing and bubbly,I wanna be plain and simple like every other girl out there,I wanna be able to make the right decisions and only make mistakes when there's no other way around,and not because I chose to.

Well,I guess that's the beauty of youth,trying to figure out who you're supposed to be,and making mistakes,and tryin' to understand what's going on with your head...but it's just painful.

I don't like changes.I don't like surprises and things happening too fast.I'm scared of time,I'm scared of paychecks and jobs and making my own decisions.I'm afraid of being independent and it makes me a fucking mess.

I wish there was someone I could talk to,someone who could just listen and be there.

I'm scared of feeling nothing and I'm scared of feeling too much.I'm scared of love and of pain.And I'm scared of being hurt,and scared of being hopeful.Even my thoughts scare me these days,'cause I always think that if I think something horrible and mean,it will come true.And mostly,I'm afraid of being happy,'cause whenever things are goin' great,there's always something to take it away from me,something that'll come back hunting me and making me unhappy all over again.

I just want it to stop.

#

I have been avoiding choosing my classes for next semester.I don't want to back to college.I hate it there,all those people,the teachers and,I don't know...everything out there just freaks me out.

I never thought I would say that,but I miss high school.I miss the same old subjects every year,or how I hated the gym classes and everbody treating you like you were still a little kid.

Everything's so changed now.I take cabs and buses all the time,dad doesn't pick me at school anymore,like he used to.It's fine by me,I guess.Everything just keeps getting harder and harder when I'm around him.

Things are so difficult between us right now.Especially since I managed to screw everything up with my shopping problem and the freaking $ 12.000 credit card bill.God,I hate myself for that,but I hate him too,for never understanding.He's so selfish,so self-centered...I mean,what did he ever do with his life?He made my mom the most unhappy person on the planet,bought a country house he doesn't care about,scared everybody away from him and accumulated tons of money he doesn't care about either.Now he sits around reading his books or sleeping in,or just driving around...sometimes I feel sorry for him,it must be hard to be so lonely,always on his own,but must of the time I just feel angry.And scared,for being like him in so many ways.

I'm just so screwed up.It's like I never leard,I keep making the same mistakes,one after the other,and hurting everybody.

My parents don't trust me anymore,I hide my whole life from my friends,and I just keep getting more and more tangled up in my schemes.

Sometimes I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry,but I'm too afraid that if I do that.I can never stop.Sometimes I wish I was someone else,sometimes I want to sleep through the whole thing,and wake up only when everything is bigger brighter.Most of the time I just wanna bundle up into some big ass lie and get away with everything I did,even though I know it's not the right thing to do.But I never played by the rules,anyway...

There are these rara occasions when I wish I was brave enough to stop fakin' and face the world with my head held high,but it just seems so hard and somehow unrealistic.

I sometimes wish I could go back in time and do everything different,but that's pretty much impossible,I did what I did and there's no way out of that.

So,that's pretty much my life right now.I'm confused,I'm scared and I'm helpless and on top of all that,I'm all alone.Thanks to me,a screwed up person who doesn't matter how hard she tries,she's never on the right path.

That's how I feel,lost in time,seeking so desperately for something that doesn't even exist.

trapped

I miss the times when everything used to be so much simpler.I mean,all I seem to do these days is get myself in trouble.I barely watched any classes this semester,lying to everyone I love,most of my plans didn't work out and I certainly have a shopping problem.

I don't know,it used to be so much easier when I was like,12.All I had to worry about was school,going to mall with my friends and being scared of horror movie.But I guess I didn't really know who I was back then,nowadays I'm still not sure,but I'm glad I grew out of all of that.

I'm glad I'm not so clingy,hanging out with the wrong crowd and trying so hard to be perfect.I'm glad I'm now a more independent person,instead of the scared little girl who couldn't handle a scary story.

It's always so weird when friendships fall apart.I mean,these kids were my friends,we did everything together,we told each other secrets,we shared toys and a whole lot else.My life back then,wouldn't be the same without them.

But I guess it was just not good to me,I didn't belong with them,I couldn't handle the competition,I couldn't handle being the spoiled,insecure pre-teen forever.

I know I'm still too flawed.Even more than I was back then,but I don't know,things are different now,I just don't take crap from people anymore,there's no use in that.I'm who I am and I'm happy that everything changed,that's the way the things were always supposed to be.

I've always been pressured from like,ALL sides.From my family,from school,being a former straight A student,from my friends,who always expected me to be the best in every single thing,from dressing up to telling a fucked up lie.

I grew up with all the privileges an only child can have,but I guess everbody just expected too much from me.

I'm not my perfectly ordinary causin who loves local music and going to the beach.I'm the interesting one,but not in a good way,in my relatives point of view.I'm into high fashion,I love all kinds of art and self expression,I love books,and I'm the shy girl who screwed everything up in the last year of high school and takes anti-depressings now.I see no problem in gay marriage,legalizing marijuana and I hate every kind of religion freak.So,not your everyday girl.

I guess,I've just been like that since I was a little kid.Different,poised.I always knew what to say,how to pretend,elaborate an answer,tell a lie,wear the perfect outfit for the perfect occasion.I've always been secretly insecure too,always so overprocted by my parentes.And,lately,I've been the girl who maked all the wrong choices.

I depend on my happy pills to have a good day,I can't get through a single day without lying to my parents,I hate school,my grades are terrible.I have no clue what to with my life,and I developed a serious compulsion for shopping.

I know it sounds funny,shallow or whatever,but it's just weird.It's like it's stronger than me.I have a closet full of clothes I never wore,bags and bags of make up,shoes for every occasion and somehow I can't stop this urge to shop more.I feel desperate when I don't have a credicard in hand.

Maybe all I want is a thrill,I don't know,something to get excited about,but the only way I feel happy,the only way I can forget my problems is buying new clothes.

It's like an enemy with benefits,I want to drop it but at the same time I enjoy all the privileges.

Sometimes all I want is a way out,someone to talk to,someone who understands.

It's just so lonely up here in my perfectly decorated castle.With my clothes and shoes,and books,waiting and wainting for someone to rescue me.

-

It's been a while since I don't write here.And if there's anything I can tell you is that I'm having a terribly bad day.I'm feeling anxious,I can't concentrate and everything just seems so boring and uniportant...

Things have been difficult this year and I wish I could cope better with all that,but everything is moving a little too fast and I guess that scares me.I hate changes,always have,so sometimes I keep trying to get things to slow down for a moment,but it's always useless,I can't stop this train.

It's been a week since I don't touch my books or homework and I hate going too college now.I'm feeling sleepy all the time,my lips are sore and I have bruises all over my body.I look like a rape victim,only worse.

I don't feel like putting make or dressing up,parties do not seem so fun and I'm pushing everybody away.I just don't wanna deal with people right now.Seems hard.

The only thing I seem to enjoy is being on this computer and reading my books.I'm becoming a loser,someone who wonders on the halls alone,keeping everybody out.

This past few weeks I thinking about going to the shrink again.I did analyses a few years ago and it really,really helped.It was such a difficult time and it really made my life slide and shift and adjust to a safe place.But then came the medicines and I stopped feeling anxious and insecure all the time so I just stopped.The pills still work their magic in me,but sometimes I rally need someone to talk to.Someone who won't judge and will be understanding,someone older than me that knows what I'm going to,someone who feels like the perfect best friend.

Changing the subject,I've been missing someone lately.Someone I barely know and who I hooked up once at the movies.He's loving and charming,and smells delicious.For some reason I can't stop thinking about his lips and he moved them across my neck,discovering my low points all at once.

so scared of getting old,I'm only good at being young

I've been sick all week,but I least I was able to sleep last night.I can't even believe how sore my throat is:/

Of course my antibodies found the perfect timing to stop working.I mean,classes start on Monday,'till then I have to be perfectly healthy to take six subjects per week and maybe an intership.

Sometimes I don't get my decisions.I've always wanted to be independent and successful,but whatever I get a chance to be one of these...well,I get too afraid to take it.

The fact is I can't stop wondering if maybe this is all too much.The six subjects,the intership at the newspaper and all these tons of responsability.I wonder if I would be able to handle it,and for how long,and if I'm really ready to be so grown up all of sudden.But that's something I need to do sooner or later.

I know that if I want to grow up and do everything on my own,I have to stop clinging in memories and all these strings that keep pulling me back to my past,but it's just difficult to with the kind of upbringing I've had.

I'm the little girl my mother always dreamed of,the wish that finally came true after two miscarriages.

I had every sort of toys when I was a kid,every sort of expensive clothes and shoes growing up.Big room,awesome debutant party,great private schools...I had everything I could possibly want,handed to me without any effort,my parentes were always too scared of saying no.

They were to scared I was breakable too.They never let me take buses or walk alone to school or down the street.I was only aloud to take a cab if I had company,and my mom still gets terrified when she can't find me around the house.

It just built a weird sense of security and comfort in me.Somehow,the idea that they would always have my back got stuck in my head.

I know I'm a whole lot different from what my parents imagined I would be.Like everybody else in my clique,I go to wild,raging parties all the time,I tasted my first sip of champagne at eleven,and I did a lot of things that would shock them.

I managed to learn how take buses on my own,and walk down the street without being too afraid of being mugged and I lot of other 'dangerous' things.I achieved as much independence as one could get,being the only and spoiled daughter of a mother who always wanted a little girl.

But sometimes it's too hard to let go.It's hard to grow up and it's not fair at all.There's so much in charge,so many responsabilities and problems for you to solve on your own...

I didn't even have a happy childhood.A very sick sibling and my own fragil health were hard to deal with,I don't even know why I miss this time so much.

Maybe it's the knowing that at that time,I could always climb on my mothers lap wherever I felt scared or sad,that I could always get between my parents in bed when I had nightmares and that they could make the pain go away with a kiss.And mostly,that a simple 'everything will be okay' was enough to make me forget all my fears.Too bad we stop believing in everything or parents say,'cause I used to feel a lot safer at that time.

But that's just life.It's not supposed to be fair or to make sense,at least that was what I was told.And all these changes and responsabilities are pretty much unavoidable,everybody goes through in order to become a real person.I guess it's all still beginning.

the things we do for love...

Sometimes I have a weird period of niceness,where I do what other people want without any aparent reason.I mean,most of the time I stick for what I want and I usually get.It's just the way spoiled little brats like me bahave,we're used to winning.

Well,the thing is,sometimes,what you want may hurt other people's feelings and I may confess that most of the time it doesn't really stop me,but every once in a while it hurts too much to think of hurting someone and sometimes it makes me give up of whatever my plans are,and that's just plain love.It's the only thing that can make someone so driven like me stop on my tracks,back down,give up...whatever you wanna call it.

It's a bit painful to think about the oportunity I lost and that it may never come back to me again,but I would probably be feeling worse if I had stick with it.And I know my attitude indicates changes,I know that it means that I'm growing up,that I'm maturing and caring about other people's feelings and sometimes,even putting them before me.I guess that's what it means to be good person,even if right now,I'm a mess of a feelings.

The funny this is I never thought this day would come.In me head,it seemed so impossible and somehow so wrong to put someone's feelings before my will.I always believed I should do what I wanted to,that was my idea of freedom,never caring about anything.

Turns out I was wrong.I mean,freedom is such a hard thing to find...you may have indepencence from your parents,you may have enough money to raise your children and never needing anyone,but somehow,you're always stuck to something.Your responsabilities,a person you can't let go off,or your insecurities.

I'm all about reputation.I may not want to admit it,but I care about what people say about me.I'm all about the perfect outfit and the perfect speech.I'm the one who needs expensive gifts all the time to take the place of other things I do not have.

Maybe I just took too long to see what the real world looks like.Life is supposed to be messy and complicated,and sometimes,I won't even come close of getting what I want.And sometimes,I'll have to choose between hurting someone and hurting myself and that's just the way it is,every once in a while,you have to roll with the punches or take the fall.

And you know,as sad as I am right now with my decision,I'm glad I made it,maybe I'm finally learning something,maybe I'm learning how to take my responsabilities and that's kind of a relief.I guess it was about time.

bye,bye 2009!

Yaay,last day of 2009!Gosh,I'm so happy is almost over >.<

I mean,it was a good year and all,but I want 2010 to be even better...

These last two months have been crazy,so many happened in this past week,I don't even know how to explain.

I mean,I've done a lot of bad things these days,including lying to my mom,but I never expected that someone I trusted so much would actually tell on me,and it will take a while for me to forgive it,but I'm moving on.Maybe that's my resolution for 2010,don't let things get to me so much.I'm determined to be happy.

I just found out that my classes start too early,at February 1st,but I'm ok with it,I will probably be bored to death by the end of next month anyway...'till then,guess I'm gonna party and go shopping,or go to the movies,maybe go to the beach house:)

Last night was so rad that I actuallty didn't want it to end.It was the perfect party,the perfect company,I wish every night of my life was like that.Feels so good to de opened up to life again like that,I missed it this whole time I was feeling incredibly depressed.

It was about time I came up from this hole I buried myself into,I'm way too young to be worryin' so much about everything,now it's time to live it up:)

changes

I can't believe it's almost Christmas!And I know it doesn't sound like me at all,but I'm kind of excited...I've always loved it,since I was a little kid,and for the first time in many,many years everything seems to be falling back on it's place,and I can't even begin to describe how good it feels.

Ok,my extremely lame aunt is staying here for a while,and I'll start my driving lessons in January,wich I'm NOT excited about,contrary to most people,and that the end of semester at college pretty much sucked,I'm still happy and trying to figure it all out.

You know,something got me wondering if we're all born with a certain amount of luck.If it's supposed to be like this,some people will always enjoy their good fortune while others don't,if our destiny is already traced way before we were born.Like me being the spoiled Ice Princess,who has the perfect clothes,shoes and make up,and my cousin,who has to deal with her parents money problems,moving out all the time and her train reck of a mother.I mean,she's not any worse than I am,it just gets me thinking what did she do to deserve this,and more important,how I ended up being the messed up one,if I was the girl who had the perfect everything?

Well,I guess we all deal with our problems in different ways,and somehow,we all find a way to cope,it's just the way life is,we get used to whatever our fate is.

I just hope everything turns out okay for her,cause even wicked bitches like me have a heart.We grew up together after all.I remember we were like sisters when we were little kids,fighting and making up all the time,traveling together on sommer and sharing the same crush...it's just impossible not to love someone under those circunstances,and she knows that even if we are so far apart right now,I still wish her all the best.

I really hope next year everything gets better for everyone.2009 was hard one for a lot of people,but for once,I'll alllow myself to get my hopes up and try not to complain too much,and most important of all,I'll try to seek confort on the people around me instead of keeping it all to myself,'cause we all heve something in common in a way or another,we're all waiting for something.Somebody to love,your dream job,an answer,the time of your life,for something to make or whatever...the truth is that we're all on the same boat,and it's good to know you're not alone.

.

There this one question that I can say I spent my whole life avoiding the answer or denying it,I don't really know...But I just cannot pretend anymore,the truth is out and it hurts the worst,but I can't scape it.

I think someday,when things were different,I was his little girl,and my dad would do anything for me,he was my hero,he was the one who could protect me from the bad stuff and I miss this time so much!But I grew up,things happened and I think we both changed too much,and we've grown apart in a way that there's no more dialog or walks on the beach or Teddy Bears when I get sick.Now the only thing left are silent rides on my way to college and awkward meetings on the hallway.

And I know he thinks I'm stupid too.That he thinks I don't know a damn thing about the world or about people,but I know way more than he does.At least,in my weird,stuck up way I know I should look them in the eye when they talk to me and give them the least bit of respect,so they'll respect me too.

Well,the question I was so desperately trying to avoid is if he really loves me,if someday he had,and the answer is no,he never did.He just did what he was obligated to and out of convenience,but he doesn't love me.And I know this is gonna sound bitter,but he doesn't love anyone.

I mean,no father in the world would make his kid go through all of this.

And I'm so freaking desappointed and it hurts so fucking much that I can't even begin to describe it!It's plain horrible and I know I'll never be able to forgive him completely or heal completely,I know it'll always hurt when I think about it,but I still can't stop caring about him...

I guess that's just it,I was living in a fairy tale,and the truth is kinda too much,but I still need him,I still miss this other part of me that I know it's his to fill,and it hurts,hurts,hurts...

faith

I'm sick to my stomach.As always.

I'm almost getting used to it,this burning sensation,like I want to throw it all up but I can't...

I can't believe how self absorbed I am!Sometimes I think I was born to ruin people's lives.I make everyone's world revolve around me,I don't even know how.I'm always getting in the way of family vacations or weekend gettaways.

Truth is I've always been kind of selfish,or just spoiled,it's hard to tell,but I wish my parents could stop worryin' about me so much,stop doing things because of me.I need to somehow make my way back and I gotta do it on my own.

I guess I grew up a little too fast.I know that I keep talkin' how I'm completely dependent from my parents,but that's just part of how I was raised,who I turned up to be is a completely different matter.I've always behaved like an adult,I've always known what to say,how to dress,when to listen,how to call attention for myself and how to hide.And I've always done things the other silly girls at school woudn't dare doing.That's the kind of world I grew up into,a selected little clique where you're up to anything to impress others,to be the best in everything you do,and after a few years always winning you end up building this weird sense of security,and it's too hard to let go when it slips away.

I think it just happened a little too fast,it's hard to keep track of yourself with so much going on.And I changed so much in these last couple of years.I don't know where all that confidence go,I can't picture myself doing the things I would imagine myself doing,I don't know what to believe anymore.Which is a bit odd for someone who grew up in a traditional catholic family...I mean,since I was a little girl I was taught all these religious values by my family and at the school,and now I just think it sounds too weird for all these people if I say I don't believe in anything.And it's not like I didn't want to,I've tried,but I just can't believe in a God that is never here when I most need Him,who's never able to calm me down,or make me believe in,I don't know...something.

With all these problems going on with my family and my mom losing it and me on the verge of a nervous breakdown,it's hard to.

I just want this year to end,I'm eager for new begginings.

shiny dolls

Mom and dad are traveling 'till Monday.I was left home alone because only the thought of going to the countryside for three days make me wanna vomit.

I'm such a city girl!I not only can survive without my laptop,but the city noises and the thousand different lights and everything I need avaiable at the closest avenue.That's why I can only survive for a couple hours at my dad's ranch,I go crazy with all the silence...where the only thing I have to do is think,and that's exactly what I've been avoiding lately

It feels good to have the house all to myself...'till I start missing mom and dad.I don't know if I could ever get used to living alone,in my own apartment,and I hate the worst being so dependend,of always needing people around in order not to feel lonely.And I've always been like that since I was a little kid.Just a few years back,I was so stuck up that I needed people to order me food at McDonalds.And that's why I can never make any friends at the Photography class,I'm too afraid to talk to people.

Well,there was a short period when I was going to the shrink that I got a little bit better,but then I stopped and everything got downhill from that.

Yesterday after I got back from my walk I was looking for envelopes at my dad's desk and found a bunch of old pictures.My parents wedding day,photos of my dead grandparents,my brother as a baby,me as a baby,so skinny and fragile,dad wearing Ray Bans and looking like such a comunist...Mom looking all cute with tons of hairspray...she looked like such a little girl.I mean,she didn't look like and adult at all at that time,like she does now.I don't know,but it's just so weird to think that my parents had a life before me.I look at my mom and my aunts and my friends' mothers and I just can't help but wonder how did that happen,how did they turn from girls to women,how did they cross the line...

My mom is such a mistery for me sometimes!I mean,there are aspects of her personaly that I know more than the palm of my hand,but I know some things she keeps hidden,I guess everyone does,and I know that she is way more open and talk ative and fun to be around than I am.

I'm completely closed off.It's like I've build this wall between me and other people and I know that takes too long for me to let them in,especially boys.I just don't know why I'm like this,always so afraid of getting hurt or desapointed,or betrayed...Maybe my parents marriage caused more colateral dammage than I thought was possible,maybe it is their fault...But the thing is,I'm fucking tired of being an enigma.I've been like this my whole life,always teasing people to get to know me and never letting them.I just don't know when it got so messed up and now I don't even know how to stop it.

Last night I went to a Halloween Party and it was awesome.I've always loved the spirit of the holyday,the idea that only for one night you can dress up be whatever you want,and next day everything is back to normal.Well,except for little girls who've been wearing costumes for so long that they ended up forgetting who they were before they put them on.

hope.

God,what a horrible week!I spend the last for days just waiting for something to make sense,or to feel real.Lookin' for a tiny bit of reality,for something relatable,familiar,that I can find out how it turns out just by lookin' at it.No surprises.

I'm so tired of the bad news,of never being able to control my anxiety,of always lashing out at people for it.

I'm so fed up of my new stupid classmates too.Of all the BS they keep talkin' about and how they always seem to see me like most people:An Ice Princess.The cold girl who never cares about the rest of the world,trapped in her own glass castle,staring at them from the top of a tower,never backing down,never regretting anything.

And I don't let them think otherwise,better be branded as an Ice Princess than a loser who can't make any friends.And anyways,they're probably right about it.I mean,I'm the one who grew up as a spoiled little brat and turned out to be a stuck up girl,who never asks for any favors and always gets everything she wants.I'm the one who in order not to suffer,refuses to feel anything.

My family is falling apart too.And seems like this is the only thing in the world that is not my fault.Guess I can count on my stupid relatives to always stir up some trouble.I don't think I can handle the fights anymore.All the talking,the money problems,who only my dad can solve.

I know it sounds selfish,but for once in my life I wish I could have a normal life,with them living far away from us and never visiting.

It's so weird that I never even felt close to them.I'm mean we're family,but somehow,they found a way to push me out.

Guess they never understood me.For them,I'm just the petulant little bitch who always seem to ruin their lives with her opinions.And I know they never knew me,that's for sure.I'm still this mistery who does't look a thing like their children and hates stupid parties and doesn't study law.

I guess it would be the strangest thing to see the world with their eyes.Missing all the important little things and living a constant lie.Turning all the magic into useless stuff.

But enough about them,talk about them makes me even more sad,if that's even possible.

Last night was one of the most terrible nights ever.One of those days that you have no fucking idea what's ahead of you,and your future looks scary as hell.I cried like a baby reading a book,tried to run away from all my worries with no success,that incertanty would always catch up with me,so I went to the only place that could make me forget all of my problems at least for a little while,my best friend's house.And in the end,I saw that little slant of light,that tiny bit of hope that would keep me going and things slightly changed.

Guess I'm ready for this new life and for these new challenges.Only this time,I'm gonna make it my own.

this side of heaven,this close to hell

Não tenho nem palavras para descrever o quando é bom voltar às aulas.Por mais que minhas férias tenham sido maravilhosas e que eu já sinta falta de uma pessoinha ou outra,para mim,é de uma paz infinita voltar a ler os meus textos e ter um milhão de compromissos,embora eu saiba que isso é um tanto contraditório.

A verdade é que eu sempre fui bastante ambígua.Paz para mim pode ser desde ler um livro,até ter dez milhões de coisas para fazer sem um pingo de tempo.
Acho que eu sou o tipo de pessoa,que dependendo do dia,tanto faz pra mim ficar quieta ou trabalhar,já que eu me encaixo tão bem nos dois e sei tirar bom proveito tanto da pressa quanto da tranquilidade.
Minha mãe costumava dizer que qualquer lugar é bom para mim,contanto que eu esteja aprendendo algo novo e exibindo minha sabedoria(sendo essa última parte uma meia verdade,rs)

De qualquer forma,eu me sinto a vontade com mil responsabilidades,dá uma sensação de dever cumprido e ajuda um pouco a controlar as minhas manias,que é algo que eu venho tentando há algum tempo.

Se eu tivesse que me descrever em uma palavra,seria 'impulsiva'.No sentido mais amplo que você puder imaginar,do tipo que fala o que não deve e sempre faz o que quer,por mais que as consequências não sejam agradáveis.
Em outras palavras,eu nunca tive o que as pessoas chamam de 'meio-termo'.Eu sempre fui 8 ou 80.Ou eu estudo demais ou não estudo nada,faço tudo de uma vez ou coisa nenhuma,bebo muito ou acabo não bebendo...Eu nunca achei a minha balança,eu nunca achei o meu limite ou àquela vozinha na minha cabeça dizendo 'pára','já chega'.Eu estou sepre a 120 por hora e sem destino algum.
Talvez por sempre ter sido a criança mimada,que sempre tem o que quer quando bem entende e em certo ponto,acaba saindo dos trilhos.

Eu acho que perdi e encontrei o meu caminho pelo o menos umas dez vezes só esse ano.O que é meio difícil de acreditar,quando eu aparento ser uma pessoa tão certinha e organizada,com tudo sempre no lugar.
E isso foi verdade por muito tempo,eu gostava de ter as coisas sob controle até perder o controle de vez.Para mim algo só valia à pena se eu tivesse total domínio,se eu soubesse o final desde o início.
É inútil dizer que eu quebrei a cara inúmeras vezes,especialmente levando em conta o quanto é difícil as coisas saírem como planejadas.

É engraçado como a gente de vez em quando acredita tando em uma mentira,que para nós ela acaba se tornando verdade.Eu sempre achei que tudo ía dar certo se eu me esforçasse o suficiente,se eu depositasse toda a minha energia,tudo que eu tinha em algo,mas no final das contas,às vezes o nosso melhor não é o suficiente.
E quando tudo deu errado e tudo que eu acreditava desapareceu,eu meio que perdi o meu rumo.
E eu venho oscilando até hoje.Tentando demaise em certos dias,me acomodando em outros,tentando achar a tal balança.

Enquanto eu não consigo,só me resta seguir em frente.

escolhas.

All done.Fiz minha matrícula,escolhi as minhas cadeiras,comprei o material escolar,e sinceramente,não sei o que sentir,ou que esperar.
Não sei se fiz a escolha certa,não sei se vou me acostumar com a faculdade nova,mas foi uma escolha feita por mim,o poder de decisão estava todo em minhas mãos,mesmo que eu não saiba se estou fazendo a escolha certa.

É difícil para mim sair da minha zona de conforto,especialmente quando eu já estava tão acostumada com tudo a minha volta,o meu dia-a-dia...mas tem males que vem para o bem,e eu já sabia há algum tempo que precisava de uma mudança,de deixar certas coisas para trás e sei lá,me livrar desse idéia de que eu não consigo conviver com coisas novas,ou mudanças bruscas,porque de vez em quando,a vida não nos deixa mesmo escolhas.
E eu não estou falando em acabar o Ensino Médio ou mudar de faculdade,mas de coisas bem maiores,que não permitem que a gente pare,pense e tome a decisão mais apropriada.
Eu acho que muito da vida,eu aprendi nesses últimos dois anos e que eu não posso culpar os meus pais por terem me protegido demais,mas a mim mesma por nunca ter querido enchergar ao meu redor.É fácil fechar os olhos para o mundo e se apegar a outra realidade.Muitas vezes eu pensei que se eu esquecesse que um problema existia,ele ía desaparecer misteriosamente,ou que as respostas da prova íam cair do céu,ou que tudo ía se resolver sem que eu precisasse mover uma palha.

No final das contas,talvez eu tenha demorado demais para crescer.Talvez isso explique o meu egoísmo,ou a minha mania de achar que eu vou ter tudo que quero na hora que eu bem entendo.Talvez se deva à isso as minhas inúmeras mudanças de colégio,ou minha insegurança,ou o meu desespero por atenção...Eu sei que muito disso pode ser atribuído a maneira como eu fui criada,ao fato dos meus pais terem me feito acreditar que eu era o centro do universo,mas eu poderia ter feito diferente se eu quisesse,ter mantido os meus pés no chão todo esse tempo.
Mas acho que a gente aprende da maneira que se deve aprender.A gente perde e acha o nosso rumo,fazemos as escolhas erradas,consertamos nossos erros e parece a coisa mais normal do mundo durante esse processo todo,especialmente para quem ta vendo de fora.

Eu não tenho a conclusão perfeita para esse post,assim como eu não tenho a conclusão para inúmeros outros fatos ou escolhas que eu fiz.Como sempre,a gente somente espera que acabe tudo bem:)

:x

às vezes eu queria que meu pai não existisse.

detalhes.

Confesso que não estava esperando muita coisa dessas férias,mas até agora,tudo tem sido maravilhosamente surpreendente,pieguices à parte.
Sei lá,acho que as coisas simplesmente param de fazer sentido quando você esquece o que realmente é importante,e é duro admitir,mas acho que passei os últimos meses preocupada com provas da faculdade,a roupa da festa de sábado,meu cabelo e outras milhares de atividades extra curriculares.

Há muito tempo,eu não sabia o que era um tempo de qualidade com as minhas duas melhores amigas.Qualidade de verdade,como comer bem casados que a Carol roubou de um casamento e ver vídeos da Disney juntas.E fazer planos,falar do futuro,voltar a ter os nossos sonhos em comum,um caminho que a gente possa seguir juntas.
E as risadas também,as horas e horas que a gente passa falando bobagem,engordando,escutando os gritos da Carol durante um filme de terror e adormecer no sofá da Gabi(que diga-se de passagem,é o sofá mais confortável do mundo),aquela confusão de membros e cabelos e almofadas...

É ir a um salão de beleza com elas e falar da vida alheia(porque nós também temos nossos momentos 'mulherzinha'),ver sites e sites que vendem maquiagem e ficar idignada quando a Carol fala que os vestidos da Betsey Johnson não são nada demais e que os sapatos da Arezzo são uma porcaria.
É se esbaldar de dançar com a Gabi em aniversários,e nos espalhar em um divã da sala de alguém que a gente nem conhece.É andar a pé de madrugada,em pleno Dunas,morrendo de medo(e morrendo de rir também).É ter uma crise com elas dentro do carro,ouvindo a Carol recitar um dos poemas dela(à la Augusto dos Anjos) e cantar Rei Leão na fila do cinema.

São todos esses detalhes e peculiaridades que as fazem únicas e igualmente importantes,fundamentais na minha vida,necessárias na minhas vitórias e nas minhas quedas.É nelas que eu confio completamente,sem restrições,sem medos,sabendo aonde quer que eu esteja,se eu estiver com elas,eu estou feliz.

E eu queria terminar contando um conto:

Era uma vez,duas garotas que faziam de tudo juntas.Desde programas de índio a melhor das festas e nunca se sentiam tristes ou entediadas na companhia uma da outra.
P. sempre foi a vaidosa,mimada e completamente apropriada.G. era a mais bondosa,pura e autêntica,mas as duas se completavam desde muitos e muitos anos.
Um dia desses P. e G. estavam em uma festa,quando algo aconteceu lá fora e todos os convidados correram para um muro na parte alta da casa para olhar.P.,sabendo que G. também era impossivelmente distraída,sentiu a ansiedade e o medo quando viu que G. ía apoiar as mãos na cerca elétrica.Felizmente ela conseguiu impedir.

foi assim que eu descobri que não conseguiria viver sem você.

my sunshine and my dark.

Céus,que semana difícil!Provas,problemas,minha mãe viajando...mas já passou e eu finalmente estou de férias.

É meio assustador pensar que próximo semestre a minha vida vai mudar completamente outra vez.Que eu vou ter que me desfazer de certas coisas para ganhar outras em retorno.
E pela primeira vem em muito tempo,eu não estou preocupada,apenas ansiosa.Talvez há dois,ou até um mês atrás eu teria ficado com medo,desistido no meio do caminho,me apegado ao que me era confortável,mas agora eu sei que estou pronta,e eu quero estar.
Eu quero as mudanças,eu quero essa vida nova que elas tem a me oferecer,eu quero um nova começo e uma nova chance.

Eu aprendi muita coisa sozinha nesses últimos seis meses.Coisas que a escola,ou os nossos familiares nunca nos ensinaram.
As pessoas te ensinam a não falar com estranhos,não colocar seu endereço na internet,a não dirigir embriagado e até princípios básicos de primeiros socorros,mas elas nunca te ensinam a lidar com as consequências disso tudo.Elas nunca te disseram o que fazer quando as pessoas te decepcionam ou quando você se agarra casualmente com um estranho no cinema,e no final das contas ele não queria nada mais do que aquilo.Eles não te ensinam a lidar com corações partidos,dores emocionais,eles nunca te disseram o que fazer quando você se ver presa em um problema sem solução,ou como levantar da cama em dias que você só quer adormecer por horas e horas...
A verdade é que eu não se tenho a resposta para tudo isso,mas depois que passa,você de certa forma se torna mais resistente.Não tem uma fórmula para emendar corações,passar por cima de mágoas,perdoar os erros alheios e aceitar os seus...essas coisas a gente simplesmente aprende com o tempo,vivendo.

Se eu dissesse que foi bom passar por tudo que eu passei eu estaria mentindo.Talvez se eu pudesse escolher,eu escolheria não ter passado,ter continuado a ser o que eu era três,quatro anos atrás,quando as pessoas ainda podiam resolver os meus problemas por mim.
Mas por outro lado,foi válido o sofrimento,sempre é.Todo mundo é obrigado a sentir essas dores,é quase parte do nosso metabolismo.
Mas a gente passa por elas.Talvez não da melhor maneira possível,talvez não do jeito certo ou da maneira convencional,mas da mesma forma que elas vieram,elas vão embora...

Eu cheguei a conclusão que a vida não foi feita pra ser fácil,que quando um problema vai embora,outro surge e assim por diante,mas que por bem o por mal,a gente acaba aprendendo a lidar com eles,e a continuar.

E isso é tudo que eu posso pedir.

trouble

Eu oficialmente desprezo meu pai.
E a parte triste é que eu nem sem quando eu passei a me sentir assim.
Acho que em algum ponto eu percebi que ele não era o que ele precisava ser,e que não importa o quanto eu o perdooe ou tente apagar o passado,ele continua me magoando de novas formas,de algum outro jeito que fez com que eu parasse de acreditar que ele tem jeito.

Quando eu era criança,acho que gostava mais dele do que da minha mãe.Quer dizer,ele nunca reclamava,me levava para o Mc Donalds dia de domingo e me trazia um presente toda semana.Enquanto a minha mãe,fazia o que tinha de ser feito.Se certificar de que minhas tarefas estivessem em dias,me lembrar a hora de tomar banho,me vestir apropriadamente.Talvez eu deva culpá-la por ser tão controladora,querer que tudo aconteça como eu planejo.
Eu nem sei se algum dia eu tive a chance de ser uma criança de verdade.Eu sempre tive tanta coisa com que me preocupar,incluindo o casamento dos meus pais,que estava sempre beirando o caos,mas as melhores lembranças que eu tenho,até os meus 6 ou 7 anos de idade,foram proporcionadas por ele.
As nossas caminhadas na praia,os domingos no shopping,as vezes que ele me carregava nos braços porque eu sempre voltava dormindo das festinhas...Tudo isso faz com que eu me pergunte como os papéis se inverteram.Quando eu passei a amar a minha mãe tão desesperadamente a ponto de depender dela para quase tudo.

Hoje eu sei que eu sempre a amei mais,e que aqueles dias com o meu pai,para ele,não passou de um mero passa tempo.Ele não tinha que me dar ordens,que cuidar de mim quando eu adoecia,de ensinar o meu dever de casa,tudo o que ele tinha de fazer era me dar dinheiro o suficiente para que aquelas saídas no final de semana ficassem cada vez mais escassas.

De algum jeito,eu queria poder tirá-lo da minha vida,mas todas as vezes que eu tento,um fotografia aparece ou uma memória ressurge,e como sempre,eu me vejo presa a ela.
Talvez porque eu saiba que se eu me afastar por muito tempo,eu corro o risco de perdê-lo de vista pra sempre.

Fim de tarde.
Tudo em ordem,como sempre.As almofadas na cama,meus livros,minhas bonequinhas chinesas,as borboletas na minha parede,meu caderno de veludo.Meus bibelôzinhos dourados,minhas caixinhas com estampa oriental,as cortinas brancas,os chaveirinhos pendurados na porta do guarda-roupa e os sapatos jogados no chão.
Tudo é completamente plano,às claras.Tudo por fora,pelo o menos.Sobre os armários e gavetas,não posso dizer a mesma coisa.

Um infinito de papéis jogados,cartões de aniverário,recadinhos,provas,fotografias,até o um aparelho de DVD quebrado.
Segredos,dias em que eu quis voar e dias em que eu quis sumir.
Lembranças.Saudades da minha infância,saudades de gente que eu não vejo mais,saudades do portão do colégio e dos corredores.
CD's das Spicy Girls e Backstreet boys,Barbie primavera,maquiagem vencida,frascos vazios,pulseiras quebradas.
Planos.Planos para o futuro,planos para agora,para depois.Um milhão de sonhos,dezenove primaveras,verões,outonos e invernos.
Tardes na piscina,tardes na Dom Luís,tardes com a Gabi.Tardes beijando loucamente em um sala de cinema escura.Tardes passadas sentada na minha escrivaninha vendo os navios atracando no Porto.
Noites em claro,noites escuras.Noites inesquecíveis,noites perdidas.Noites apaixonadas,noites aflitas,noites infames,noites insignificantes,esquecíveis.

Sonhos.Realizados.Perdidos.Constantes.
Sonhos que eu invento,sonhos que eu persigo.Papel machê,purpurina,bobagens,extremamente importantes.Irrelevantes.
Verdadeiros.

Presilhas,lápis de cor,bala de canela,livros,CDs,revistas,filmes que eu nunca vi,caixas,recortes,trabalhos,velas brancas,pérolas,laços,verde água,caixinha de música,roupas,sapatos,Princess by Vera Wang,Dior Kiss.Latinhas de coca-cola,celular,gatinho dourado com olhos de strass.My Little Pony,caixas brancas,computador,TV,outros eletro domésticos,cartas,beijos,pétalas de rosas,porta retrato,um milhão de sapatos,roupas velhas,roupas novas,vestido preto maravilhoso,agenda,notas de 10 reais,esmalte vermelho,mouse pad fodido,bons modos,maus modos,óculos escuros.
Por do sol,chuva,Gossip Girl,um milhão de sorrisos,algumas lágrimas,lembranças que eu não faço questão de lembrar,gigoletes(não podem faltar),canetas com brilho,twitter,trabalhos,Trio,Aturgil,chão firo,elefantinho da Índia,pulseira Tiffany,lingerie sexy,paciência pouca.
Muita auto-estima,pouca determinação.Grandes feitos,falhas,alegrias,convites.
19 chances de consertar os erros.19 chances de errar tudo de novo.

Ainda valeria a pena